Narcisists are a FACADE

What you see is NOT what you get. Narcissists lack a “core”, a true “self”.  I cannot think of any better way to test this theory than to have a deep, heart to heart conversation one on one about morals, ethics and beliefs. Notice that there may be some things that they believe in, but other times there is simply a reiteration of whatever you said. Now, change your viewpoint within the same conversation. Does he/she web and flow with you and suddenly agree with your changed viewpoint? That’s because they really don’t have a core of who they are – something to true back to. They take their identity from others – maybe some from their parents and whatever their parental expectations are of them. Maybe some of it from friends or previous significant other’s. Certainly some of it comes from you.

Watch closely the next time you interact. See what you can do to have a close conversation, if it’s possible. Think back to prior conversations. Does this help make those previous conversations make more sense when you look at it from this perspective?

I remember that this is one of the ways when I finally started to understand the depth of my ex’s issues.  I had a conversation with some friends about raising children, and what morals, ethics, principles that we wanted to instill in our children.  We discussed many different characteristics, whether they were learned, inherited, how much parents had the ability to influence, etc.  It was a very engaging conversation.  I returned home to my then husband, and wanted to have a similar conversation with him.  It was appropriate – we had a daughter who was about one year old at the time.  In that conversation, I saw what I mentioned above.   He couldn’t even process the concepts of what I was talking about because he lacked that much of a sense of understanding of people (no empathy) and couldn’t grasp the ideas.   There was a point when he actually said to me “look, I’m just trying to tell you what you want to hear”.  BUT that’s not what I want!! I wanted to have the same engaging conversation I had with my friends as it would directly relate to raising our daughter.  Only, he couldn’t do that.

Can you imagine going through life that way?

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