I have to admit…

I try my best to stay positive.  I try my best to have faith.  I do firmly believe that God will change our situation and hear my prayers and my children’s prayers.

We are two years into this, and inevitably, I leave them for the weekends (especially in the case of a long weekend like this), and sadness fills my heart and soul.

I firmly believe I wouldn’t feel that way if I were exchanging them with a normal person where the marriage just didn’t work out.  It’s not, though, and they know it too.  My daughter whispered in my ear several times how she didn’t want to go.  My son did too.  I said repeatedly “I know, baby.  I know.  Keep praying.  God is going to show us the way out of this.”   I’ve given up on acting like I want them to go – it’s not truthful or honest.

My son was so worried that he wouldn’t remove his hand from in my shirt and his thumb from his mouth all day.  He is five now.  I asked his sister if she would sleep with him tonight.  She said “yes, but I will have to be sneaky”.  Huh?  “Dad will get mad… he wants us to sleep alone.” she explains.  She reassures me that she can pull it off.  My son relaxes at least a little.

Yesterday, they only went for three hours in the evening, and upon walking in the door, my little guy says “I missed you, Mom.”

My heart hurts to hear this and not be able to do anything about it.

I feel horrible that maybe I made the wrong choice… I just recently pushed my ex to “switch” weekends so I could have memorial day and labor day weekends this year (he’s had them the past two years) and so it would avoid three weekends in a row with him at another time of the year.  What it means, though, is that they have this three day weekend, and then potentially another four day weekend with him coming up.  Maybe I should have risked court action in February instead of now?

And yes… literally… he had them through the winter break, then wanted them the following weekend, saying it was his weekend.  His email was threatening to me, and to his attorney he wrote that he wanted to “prosecute to the fullest extent”.  All I did was say that it was my weekend and we were alternating from there.  It was what I thought was my best chance to switch things.

But yet… it’s not considered threatening because he has learned to be very covert in his emails by now.  He writes kind words, then writes in a sentence saying he will “escalate” the issue, then more kind words.  I can’t do anything with it from a protective order standpoint.

Anyway, I’m rambling, but I thought it might be good to know that I’m normal and that my heart – like all of yours – is torn out of my chest sometimes.   I will now go and pray for peace in my heart, faith that my children’s angel’s “force field” keeps them safe, and that the next three days goes quickly.  I will literally ask God to take these feelings of fear and sadness and the burden I feel from me, so I can go free.  I will remember and be thankful for the fact that they are with me most of the time.  I will remember and be thankful for the awesome connection that I have with them.

And I will focus on what I can do to make our lives wonderful, happy and filled with love.  To see and BE the change I want to see in the world.

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