A Narcissist’s Match.com Profile – interpreted

Here, I will post my ex’s match.com profile which he had up for a short while.  He changed it within a couple months to remove the offensive language.  My guess is that he wound up with too many comments or being turned down too much.  My comments are intermingled in purple italics Enjoy!

I’m an entrepreneur, which to some extent means I’m a gambler.  I take calculated risks for a living.  In the past this has been estimating the value of investments for banks.  Currently I run a growing business and love every minute of it.  I’m a passionate person (‘intuitive perceiver’ for you myers-briggs types) so I have to love what I’m doing with my career or it does adversely affect me.  As a side note to the entrepreneur,  I am sometimes very flush and sometimes broke.  If that kind of volatility will bother you, I’m probably not the right guy.  I’ve been completely broke before – good growth experience.  I realized that if that won’t break me, nothing will.  – This is true – he has been severely broke, during a time when he was a business partner with a girlfriend whom he treated the same abusive way as me.  I am, unfortunately (as I found out later), round two of relationships where he litigated like mad to retain what he felt he was entitled to have.  I have read that a narcissist’s desperate way to stay connected with the person who is leaving him is often through combative measures.

I’ve chosen to be the king of a very small country, running my business, than a prince in a much larger one (previous banks and consultancies I’ve worked for).  Perhaps it’s a control thing, but I’m far happier this way.  Perhaps it’s a CONTROL THING?  I find it amazing when he makes these accurately reflective comments about himself, but neglects to ever want to change it. Let’s see… he refuses to let his children use ketchup to eat steak, or to sleep with their socks on.  Controlling?  YES, and then some…  It is very rewarding to see the direct relationship between effort and luck and my results (and the harder I work, the luckier I tend to be).  I expect that this choice will allow me to balance my personal life and my time with my children (and new family) whereas before I had little control over my time.  He wants a new family because that is the image he wants to have in life – that he is the family guy with a trophy wife and trophy children who make his image look better.  He doesn’t want to have any actual responsibility for them – which is why item #2 below is so important.

I thought that the “what I’m looking for” question would be easy, but I’ve lived enough to see some flaws in my thinking.  So, let me offer an honest assessment of what I’m looking for or not looking for and please don’t take anything that follows to be offensive.

  1. I would like someone who speaks English as a first language.  If not, you must really have excellent command of the language.  If you haven’t seen Archer and laughed, you probably aren’t really fluent.  He recently dated an Asian woman, likely because he’s attracted to their youthful beauty (he once drooled over Asian porn- until I yelled at them that he was looking at young children in this particular magazine and how awful it was that he was sexually attracted to pre-teen girls.  He then would not admit it to me again).
  2. I would like someone who values the role of housewife and raising a family.  I greatly value the role.  It doesn’t mean you won’t have a career or other pursuits, just that these roles are your priority.  The unstated portion of this is… “you must have a career and your own money because I won’t foot the bill for anything.  You must also do everything in the home – you need to keep it clean, take care of the children, maintenance of the house and cars, always have food in the kitchen and have dinner prepared for me if I chose to return home for it- which you will know by reading my mind.  Oh, and if I decide that I think that drycleaning ruins my shirts and want them to be handwashed, dried flat and ironed… that means you do it for me, along with every other piece of laundry in the house.”  In all seriousness – it is my understanding that this need for a very traditional, old school view of woman/man’s role in a household is typical in abusive relationships.
  3. You didn’t vote for Obama.  Or if you did, you have renounced your affiliation.  In all seriousness, we’re just not going to get along if you’re an NPR listening liberal.  I’m to the right, and then some.  He is a supreme republican, because as he sees it – republican’s value personal wealth and are above other people.  He doesn’t want to share or take care of any other ‘idiot’ on the planet.
  4. You’re not a vegetarian.  See the pattern here?  I’m Irish/Italian Catholic NRA member conservative.  PETA means People Eat Tasty Animals.  Truthfully, if you turn down my Osso Bucco, it’s a deal breaker.  This is in reference to me.  I don’t care for meat much, and if I do eat – I don’t want it raw.  I certainly believe that Ox Tail (i.e. Osso Bucco) belongs securely to the end of a very ALIVE Ox.  He cannot understand or see that other people would like food differently than others and it is an area of pure rage for him. He screamed at me over this stuff many times, and was outraged that I would order an appetizer in a restaurant as my main course, threatening me in an attempt to get me to  order an actual main course.  I cannot begin to attempt why he feels such a strong need to control others in this area. 
  5. You don’t have any alcohol or chemical dependencies.  Ask me about that relationship.  Good times.  This is a relationship which occurred just before/after our divorce proceedings.  A little research shows she had citations in public drunkenness and DUIs –  but nonetheless, he dated her and announced that they had plans to be married within a couple months of meeting (again, typical of a personality disorder), and had her around our children immediately.
  6. You would like to have more children.  It’s the best thing I’ve done with my life.  He didn’t want children, although to lure me in he stated he wanted to have five.  It’s the best thing he’s ever done because it’s the only way he’s ever had his parent’s approval.  His mom’s actual words “I always thought you’d make a terrible father… you’re such a jerk… but look at how wonderful you are!”  They are his ticket to parental approval as well as his built-in companions who at this age cannot tell him that they don’t want to do his grown up activities with him.
  7. You’re not a planner (more myers-briggs here). I’m a lousy planner.  Maybe it’s just Aspberger’s, but I’ve had to buy clothes all over North America and Europe because I forgot to pack something for a business trip.  And, it doesn’t bother me.  If flying to France with a guy who forgot to pack his underpants will set you off, keep moving.  It will happen again.  And, yes, they sell the same stuff over there too.  If you’re a planner but think you can rehabilitate me, let me tell you that I’ve crushed more than a few souls who have attempted this.  I do like to be organized, efficient and on time, but it doesn’t always happen.  I would like someone to organize me.  The last sentence here is key and probably accidentally and subconsciously written.  He doesn’t want to deal with the mundane aspects of life and wants someone else to do it for him.  I used to tell him that he wants someone else to live his life for him (he wanted to hire a nanny so he didn’t have to do any child raising whatsoever – even if I was at work or traveling for work and he was left holding the bag).   Oh, and if the person doesn’t organize perfectly – he reserves the right to rage at them for it.

In the final analysis, good relationships share a common vision of their future.  They’re willing to take the same risks and discuss openly all the options.  I did not have this in my first marriage.  I hope that I can find someone with the same sense of humor I have who is willing to take on what life has to offer.  THIS SHOULD READ:  ‘good relationships are ones that share MY vision of the future – where the wife will give up any inkling of herself in favor of doing everything that I am interested in and actively supporting me by doing only my interests for me.  If you don’t believe that chasing monetary wealth and pretending your rich beyond belief is the only way to live life… we probably won’t get along.’

In the “for fun” category.. he writes “I enjoy being a good father of two. I like to show them how to do new things. We ride horses, my daughter is quite good. I tend to do outdoor activities like golf, sailing, skiing, shooting and fishing. I also enjoy a great dinner and a bottle of wine.”  Note that he enjoys being a good father.  Where’s the focus?  On HIM.  “We ride horses = I rode for a few times and now make her ride even in single-digit frozen weather because I believe that rich people own and ride horses, and I want to do anything a rich person does.”  He also ‘enjoys’ all the other activities because those are rich people activities.  The fishing aspect is the only odd anomaly.

In the “faith” category, he writes “I’m Catholic. I go every Sunday and take my children.  However, I’m also an accomplished sinner.  I think its very important to have a moral compass and give one to my children.”  He only goes to church when he has his kids.  He only believes in Catholicism but yet chastises the church.  He has no understanding of morals, other than using the fact that a kid’s party is scheduled for a Sunday as a good excuse to say that our daughter can’t attend – because after all – what sinner would dare schedule a kid’s party on the Sabbath??


2 Responses to “A Narcissist’s Match.com Profile – interpreted”

  1. Tracey says:

    narcs are empty inside. I was pulled in by a a classic malignant narcissit. For a long time he behaved perfectly, I had a gut feeling all the same. I felt guilty for my gut feeling & this didn’t help I felt sorry for him as well as not 100% trusting him.

    The 1 St discard was pure cheese, classic phone call after 8 weeks silence. He hoovered shortly afterwards whilst I was vulnerable.
    I stupidly took him back. The 2nd discard again by phone because he needed some peace, I was never demanding.

    The final discard was sadistic cruel and he was disassociated raging and out of control. It was deliberate too his excuse was a non critism imagined by him. A comment made in my own home a month before.
    Officially we never ended the relationship. He replaced me a week or 2 later. I researched why I was so traumatised and how I put myself in such a dangerous position. I came up with the word toxic and took my recovery forward by understanding how it happened.

    I got strong again but it’s taken months. The Hoover began after 6 months this time. He has offended me at least 4 times in this Hoover with sarcasm and dismissal. I’m so tuned in this time to the underhand jokes, the pointless ‘hey you” type messages.
    We havn’t spoken since the psychotic rage, which is the elephant filling the room I can’t predict any future in this at all.
    Oh and the girlfriend exists too. Looking back on our timeline I release that when we first met he was with a girlfriend whilst grooming me.

    He was a dating site professional after the 2 nd discard I read his profile & felt sickened because he stated he was open to having children. The truth is he is 55 and thinks he looks 30
    He ignored a man we met out who asked me if he was Dad..

  2. nicole says:

    Ive read this before, and now reading it again has hit so close to home. It did before, but as my ex is spiraling out of control..this is exactly how he is behaving. The control thing, he started seeing a girl and a few months later he said they were getting married lol. Of course they didn’t, but it just goes to show how desparate he feels inside. Sad.

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