Battle with a Narcissist

This weekend, I had to confront my ex. He has been putting our 5 year old on a horse for lessons without ever speaking to me about whether this is okay (we are supposed to make those decisions jointly). I disagreed when he put our daughter on the horse at that age but didn’t pursue that fight. For my son – I feel he is less developed and anything else that my contribute to a sense of being ‘unsafe’ or ‘not in control’ is risky for him.

So, I decided to attend the horse lesson! It’s our daughter’s lesson, and her brother has only been doing 10 minutes at the end of the lesson.

I let my ex know I would be there only about 15 minutes prior (purposefully, so he couldn’t hide the fact that he was putting our son on the horse).

Here is our delightful text exchange:

—————

Me: Hey – just a heads up. I am going to come by the horse lesson. Haven’t seen her ride in the last 3 weeks, so thought I’d come peak.

Ex: No.

Me: I’ve given you an open invitation and you’ve exercised it every time you can, yet you’re telling me no?

Ex: Correct.
—————

Wee hee!! Thank you for the evidence, dearest Ex, that you are interfering with my relationship with my children (unlike many narcissists out there – my ex has learned to make sure that stuff doesn’t go in writing/go to court).

The downside was that the ex was VERY combative once I was there – repeatedly saying how I can’t be there. He also told me (all this in front of kids) that he would ‘withhold brownies for our daughter in return. Is that the game I need to play?”. He barked at our son that he had to be near Ex because it was “Daddy time”.   He also specifically bent down to our son and told him “Sorry, but you’re mom says you’re not allowed to ride on the horse today”. And the other downside… our daughter was scared that when the ex disappeared to his car, he was calling the police, the judge or the court.

Upside… when our son was told that he couldn’t ride – he got upset, but he didn’t run to the permissive parent for consolation – he ran to me even though I was the one stopping the horseback riding. He later told me it was a good thing that I came to the lesson and he was glad I was there.

Other upside – my daughter also looked to me for consolation and security. Both of these aspects show we have a very solid relationship. Their dad was walking around pelting mean words to me, but me and the kids were staying pretty strong emotionally.
The other upside is that ‘I did it’. I stood up to him and asserted what I thought would be best for the kids. The lesson instructor said she wouldn’t put him on the horse without my permission (although I’m not sure I believe it as she has a lot of her own issues from growing up with abusive parents, and since her dad was mostly absent – she’s thrilled my ex is involved and cannot recognize the cost of that).

Happy Monday to all!


One Response to “Battle with a Narcissist”

  1. Ana says:

    It’s so sad that our children have to live like this and can’t feel safe with someone who is supposed to protect them. It’s so hard when everything is a battle. Your kids are lucky to have you.


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