The cost of divorcing a narcissist

My apologies … this is not the POSITIVE part of my blog.  It’s the ‘realistic, educating others on the impact of narcissism’ part.  There’s also a little ‘faith’ built in that I know that God will provide for us somehow!  🙂

Many of us know first hand the cost incurred when divorcing a narcissist, particularly one who makes it his priority to use attorneys to communicate everything, and all decisions require a court filing.  Now that said,  I know that I live in an area which has a ‘higher than average cost of living”, but nonetheless – this is what the court system, mental health professionals and legal professionals gain when a narcissist enters their “system”.  With the exception of the court system who hopefully isn’t receiving an upside, it’s no wonder that mental health professionals and attorneys don’t really want to ‘call it like it is’ and keep the narcissist at bay!

Let me break it down, to date:

1. In 2007: Amount of child support withheld until I would sign a ‘Property Settlement Agreement’ which he agreed to:  $24,000

Note: My attorney at the time advised there was nothing I could do – he was living in my house and refusing to pay any bills, but since we weren’t actually separated, I couldn’t file for child support yet or get him to pay or kick him out… In retrospect, this attorney cost me much more than what is written here.  She should’ve had me file for a protective order for me and my children and immediate rights to the house because he was physically abusive while holding our infant son.

2. In 2007: MY first attorney’s fees to draw up the ‘Property Settlement Agreement’: $12,000

3. 2007-2009: MY portion of the co-parenting coordinator who was supposed to be helping us facilitate the Property Settlement Agreement, but then lied in court saying that I called my ex a ‘sperm donor’ and that I wanted a custody evaluation.  Truth is – my ex said he doesn’t want to be seen as a ‘sperm donor’ and the coparenting coordinator had recommended to me that I get a custody evaluation.  But hey… what’s a little twist of the story?:  $5000

Please note the good news… my ex sub-poened the parent coordinator and our daughter’s therapist at the time into court.  These folks charge heavily for taking the day off to come to court and testify.  Since my ex was the one who sub-poened them, he was the one who had to pay these fees prior to the day they showed up in court.  Good news is that I didn’t have to pay.  Bad news is that they are available for hire by the opposing party 🙂

4. 2008-2009:  Cost of second attorney, who I procured because my ex filed a lawsuit for custody of our children even after signing the Property Settlement Agreement: $30,000

Note: I fired this attorney at the same time that she quit, because she had a habit of “yelling at” her clients.  She completely didn’t understand domestic abuse, but instead used very similar intimidation and gaslighting tactics herself with her own clients.  Not a good match for someone who was already psychologically beaten down.

5. 2009-present:  Cost of third attorney, to represent me in court for a three day custody trial, despite a property settlement agreement we had both already signed.  This attorney understands domestic abuse and every facet of my life.  Unfortunately, despite arguing a fantastic case, we had a not so good judge and lost at that time.  Note: “at that time”.  I pray I can successfully represent my children’s needs in the future, or that some other means of getting me and my children’s lives back on track miraculously presents itself.  $60,000

Note:  The retainer I paid was $7000.  Retainers are not reflective of the total cost billed….

6. 2009:  My ex’s legal fees (portion), which the judge ordered me to pay:  $11,000

Note: yes, you read that correctly.  The judge ordered me to pay it even though my ex admitted on the stand to having physically hit me while pregnant.

7. 2008-2009:  Cost of a private investigator, as advised by my 2nd attorney to hire on the hope of catching my ex doing something where we could file an “at fault” divorce.  I guess the aspect of domestic violence wasn’t enough ‘at fault’ for her – but I didn’t understand that at the time.    The private investigators didn’t trail him as planned – because he drove to fast and reckless in the brand new divorce present Porsche that he acquired after moving out.:  $10,000

8. 2007-2010:  Therapy & counseling for me to recover & heal from the emotional abuse, as well as to take a ‘play therapy’ class to try to help our son who was severely regressing –  because my ex blocks therapy for our son:  $4,000

9. 2007-present:  Therapy for our daughter – this is my portion (35%), of the cost not covered by health insurance.  My ex hasn’t paid his portion for either of the two therapists we’ve had, and the first therapist took him to a collections agency.  $4,500

10. 2010: The cost to teach our son how to survive should he fall into the pool at my ex’s new house, which did not have a fence around it.  $800.  It’s an infant swim program which teaches aquatic survival to babies as young as 6 months old.  I highly recommend it: www.infantswim.com

11. 2010:  The cost to send a child safety to my ex’s house to do the baby safety proofing, which he ‘agreed’ to let me do if I paid for it, and he didn’t have anything secured to the walls. (yes, that’s right… there are bookcases in the kid’s rooms which are not secured to the walls because he doesn’t want a hole in the wall).  $1500

TOTAL COST (to date)  to stand up for me and my children and assert our boundaries as we learn how to be emotionally strong no matter what (thank you Mastercard, for the priceless commercials): $162,800

Cha-ching!


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