My Narcissistic/Sociopathic Ex’s Current Complaints

My ex met with my daughter’s therapist.  The objective:  For the therapist to get my Ex to agree to having our son evaluated by a mental health professional because of his regressive behaviors (my son, not my ex’s regression 😉

Here’s the key points that he laid out to the therapist.  Given that he is threatening to take me back to court, this is great information that he’s laid out so clearly 🙂

1.  He would love to get back together with me and be a family again (see prior post).

2. If I would just give him a little more time here or there, he would be a different person with me.  (note – my children are complaining of his hitting them and raging at them.  Why would I ask him to take care of them MORE?)

3.  He is willing to have our son evaluated IF I WILL ALLOW OUR SON, WHO IS FIVE,  TO TAKE HORSE BACK RIDING LESSONS. (note – how messed up is that?)  He also said he MIGHT consider paying for it.  Another note – he owes about $3k to our daughter’s therapist which is written into the court order, but he refuses to pay for it.

4.  He has complaints about the way I dress our children.  He wants me to take our daughter to Nordstrom’s and have people wait on her to for personal shopping.   He thinks that our children are dressed as “hooligans”.  Apparently, clothes from Gymboree, Gap, Old Navy or Target is just not suitable.  (note – one of the typical characteristics of a sexual incest abuser is that they like to dress up and adore their children.)

5.  He also has complaints that I have been cutting our son’s hair.  Note – I get compliments on his haircuts when I do them from people who don’t realize I’m doing it myself.  I occassionally take him to get his hair cut so it can be officially done, but other than that – I like to do it so it’s not cut too short.

6.  He doesn’t think our daughter needs therapy.  He says it’s my “anxiety” about our daughter, and our daughter is fine.

7.  “Interference with custody”. This includes: HE DOESN’T WANT THE KIDS TO TALK WITH ME FOR THE ONE PHONE CALL PER DAY HE ALLOWS and MONITORS.  This is called interference in his mind.  This seems to be quite a common trait with those that are using children as pawns for further abuse to the parent.    This also includes times that he says I haven’t provided “make up time” for when he has missed visitation.  It also means that he expects our children to be at a daycare for him to pick up rather than at our house.  He says that I am not allowed contact with our children on the days that he “has custody”.  (this isn’t true)

8.  He says he worries that I am babying our son.  That our daughter rode horses at age 5 and our son should too.  Note – he signed up our daughter without telling me about it.  I didn’t stop the lessons so that I wouldn’t be the mean mom to our daughter.  I have stopped the same thing from happening with our son as I firmly believe that 5 years old is too young for a large animal and the skills of the person who is providing the lessons.

9.  Oh… back to clothing… my ex thinks I dress our daughter “too revealing”, and that since she is a beautiful girl, (who is 8), others will get the wrong idea.  This means that I allow her to wear tank tops or bikini’s.

10.  He wants information from the school.  He says he asked the school but didn’t receive it.  … how is that my problem?  If he wants to be involved… be involved.  It’s his legal right as a joint legal custodian.

11.  He wants medical information prior to going to the doctor’s.  This has to do with last year, when the pediatrician sent us to the hospital because they suspected sex abuse.  Really?  Do you think I’m going to call him BEFORE going to the hospital abuse team?

My daughter’s therapist said I need to consider what is my “bottom line”.  She said that she thinks that given his demeanor (less aggressive than in the past), that she can get him to work with me more smoothly.  I have a hard time with that – as I know he can pretend anything for a period of time but  he cannot change long term.  I also think that he should be held accountable.  If he wants to be involved as a parent – he needs to do it, with initiative, with the funding backing up his kids (I receive child support sporadically), and be held accountable.

On the flip side, he may be more likely to fade from our lives if he thinks he can come and go from time to time and doesn’t have to fight me to occassionally see our children.  My gut tells me he is tired of the responsibility that  he has – even though he barely does any of it.  I think he wants an excuse to be out of that aspect of it but still have the ability to call himself a father and bask in that narcissistic pride.

TBD what I do…still pondering.


4 Responses to “My Narcissistic/Sociopathic Ex’s Current Complaints”

  1. Julie says:

    My ex N also says that my daughter’s clothes are too revealing/tight/sexy (she is 7) and has been saying it since she was about 3. Really?! How can a 3yo (or 7yo for that matter) be sexy?! These are just normal clothes, not toddlers in tiaras or anything. He objects to leggings (which she lives in) as too tight, and complains her dresses/skirts are too short. Give me a break.

    • It’s weird, right? They are children – and that’s the clothes kids wear – ones they can play freely in. I can’t even comprehend putting the words “sexy” and “child” together.

  2. Stacey says:

    This sounds a LOT like my ex. The last sentence you wrote, is exactly what I’m dealing with! He comes to see the kids 2 times a year or so, but refuses to follow the visitation order, then starts telling everyone I wont let him see his kids! Dude, see your kids, just give me 7 days notice you’re going to show up! He agreed to it in court, but now its a giant issue apparently. Ugh, get over yourself! Seriously.

    I wish there was a way to get them to just sort of fade out of our lives – I’m almost there myself. Over the last year he was in our state for less than 2 weeks, but had money to travel to Europe for 2 months, and is currently hanging out in Hawaii, paying ZERO child support.

    I’d love to hold him accountable, get him to help pay for his kids, be a father, give a shit…you know, all the things he likes to tell people he does…but honestly, most days it doesn’t feel like its worth the effort.

    Thanks for sharing your story – it helps to know I’m not alone!

    • Ditto on the thank you – I learn from others in the same way. As for having them fade from our lives… I wonder that myself. Have been exploring about what attracts a narcissist/sociopath into certain people’s lives. Certainly there’s the fact that we are all strong women (see Paula’s post:, but there’s definitely other elements as well. I do think that the more we heal ourselves, the better we are altogether – but also the less attractive we are to the narcissistic/sociopath.

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