Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

I met my ex’s new girlfriend a few weeks back.

I had been hearing about her lately from my kids – she has stayed the weekends that my kids are with their dad for the past 4 weekends.  They have been dating ~3 months from what I can tell.  3 months = ~12 weekends.  My kids see their dad every other weekend, so that means that they’ve seen her a considerable amount of the time since they first starting dating.

My ex is 42.  This new girlfriend is 28.  My kids love her.  When they are alone with their dad for the weekend, he wakes up hours and hours after they do and my 8 year old has to take care of her and her 5 year old brother.  Their dad is more prone to raging outbursts and physically hurting them when he is alone.  When the girlfriend is there, this isn’t so bad – and she is up taking care of them and making them breakfast.  I have heard them literally use it to rationalize not wanting to go with their dad, saying “but Ms. M will be there! It’s not as bad with Ms. M”.

I met her because I found out that my ex would be playing in a golf tournament with our daughter and our son was too young to play.  I offered to take care of our son during that time.  He said no, that his girlfriend could do it.  I said “really?  You’d rather have our son in the care of your new girlfriend than his mom?”  “Yes”, he replied.  I boldly told him that it wouldn’t look good from a court perspective.  He said “I’ll take my chances”.  This was, unfortunately, all in front of our children.  My daughter said to me “I hate how daddy treats you”.  (Sweet daughter – I, too, hate how daddy treats YOU).

Eventually, ex decided it would be okay for me to come by during the golf tournament and hang out with our son on the premises.  However, girlfriend would be there.

Here’s the funny thing (as in “odd”, not as in “ha ha”).  I like girlfriend.  However, I see traits in her that are completely as I was at that age:

– She’s sweet and innocent

– She loves children and bubbles when talking with and interacting with my kids

– She is falling prey to being immediately and quickly involved with my ex (I fended this off myself, but in the end, it didn’t make a difference).  She has moved all her pets to his house and is there constantly.

– She is already involved in working at my ex’s store, taking care of my kids, taking care of his house and cleaning up my kids toys when they leave.  I’ve even heard stories of her taking baths with my kids (?!) in my ex’s jacuzzi tub (supposedly still in their bathing suits).   She helped my kids get their dad a birthday and father’s day present.  She told me how she cleaned up, bathed and changed my 5 year old after he had a toileting accident everywhere.  Where is their dad in this??

– She actually apologized TO ME for not bringing food to the golf event so that MY KIDS would have something to eat.  THAT IS OVERFUNCTIONING and LACK OF BOUNDARIES.  I said to her that it wasn’t her responsibility – thank you for considering it, but it wasn’t something she should have to worry about.  I left out telling her that THEIR DAD should be doing that and doesn’t.

It pains me to see her involved with him and such gullible, perfect prey.  She is physically what my ex always wanted me to be – she bleaches her hair stark white, and was dressed to the nines to hang out at a golf course in summer heat for the morning, wearing high heels.  This is exactly what he wanted me to look like, and I said it wasn’t me.

But this is HER JOURNEY and I have to stay removed (even though I work for a domestic violence agency now and would love to point out the ‘red flags’).

I’ve also learned that my daughter has told her of the “things daddy does to us”, like “calls us assholes” and “hits us”.  My daughter asked GF to not tell anyone what she shared and not to tell their dad.  Gee… I wonder how that has worked out?

It’s interesting how personality disordered people REPEAT the same scenario over and over again in their lives.  Most likely, it would be great for me if he finds his next endeavor.  However, it most likely won’t be great for her.


3 Responses to “Narcissist’s New Girlfriend”

  1. JoAnne says:

    I stumbled on this site yesterday in an attempt to find anyone who could relate to my situation, and I have thought over and over in my mind since then that I wish I had found this a year ago!

    I am currently a little over a year apart from my ex, who I have always joked was a narcissist but have always been timid to officially label (not being a professional, and also having my own degrees of problems). We have two children who at the time of our split were one and four, but we never married (engaged for five years). I bought a home in my name in 2011 that we shared, I had a full-time job (which I hated, but maintained for years because it was the only stable option for income and provided health benefits for myself and our children), we had traded in both of our cars for an upgrade which he placed in his name (even though I paid for half of the car and half of the insurance for the car) and in every other sense except the legal one, we were acting as an unhappily married couple.

    After years of therapy and mustering up the personal courage and self-esteem that had been taken from me throughout our relationship, I finally ended it. Even that was a long process, but once my mind was officially made up, there was nothing that was going to change it. It took a lot more than the words for him to understand, and he took it really hard. All of a sudden, after I made the announcement that I was withdrawing from the relationship, he proclaimed that I was once again the love of his life, after years of making me feel subpar, worthless, wrong, and unloved. I see now that this was actually more about him losing… not actually him losing ME, which is very important.

    About a month after I made the announcement, he finally took me seriously, and through a series of actions that were very dishonorable and lowbrow (in his attempt to feel like he was still ‘winning’ and had ‘one up’ on me, I’m sure), he finally moved out of my home and back in with his mother. This suited me just fine.

    About a week after he had officially moved out, he sent me a text saying that he had a new girlfriend who was a little bit older and had her life “a little more put together”, and that he was telling me because he really saw it lasting a long time and going somewhere. I responded positively and congratulated him. However, about a week after that, my now five year old daughter began to inform me how daddy had introduced this poor new girlfriend to my children, and how they were having sleepovers at her house (20 miles away), and how daddy told them that they were going to move in with her. That all happened, but he didn’t breathe a word of any of that to me. Around that time is when I filed for custody of our children.

    Fast forward to now. He is still with that same girlfriend who I have met once, who seems really sweet and naïve and caring and good with my kids. She has since sold her house and they are now both living, with our two children and her three cats, with his mother. My ex is forever trying to cut me out of the picture with my kids – even though we have a custody agreement, he thinks he can dictate which nights I can have them overnight and which nights I can’t. He still doesn’t work, because like your ex, he has grandiose dreams of becoming famous (not sure if I mentioned that before, he never had a job). She works as a bartender. She is a constant in my kids life, is always there when my kids are with their father because she has completely morphed her life to his.

    There are some lines that she is crossing though – I have learned that my now two year old daughter is referring to her as “mommy” and that it is not being discouraged by my ex. At events, she is all over my children, picking them up, hugging them, and acting as a mother role. It is very apparent.

    I want to tell her that these are not her responsibilities. In fact, I sometimes get offended by them because she is crossing my boundary of me being a mother, and her not being the mother. If that makes sense. Is that very selfish? Is this something I should disengage from? It is all very confusing – I am trying to trust my emotions but disengage from this emotionally and mentally abusive individual at the same time; I’m really struggling with it.

    Do you have any suggestions?

    Thank you for your blog. I am finding so much here, and in this hard journey to find individualism again, I know it will be helpful.

  2. Paula says:

    A fellow blogger who also has a narcissistic X wrote about this very topic of the new girlfriend yesterday. I added the link below. I think it’s something you’d enjoy, if “enjoy” is really the right word for what happens when we realize we are not alone in dealing with the aftermath of these men. They are predictable because that’s how sickness works. Unfortunately, there is no cure or treatment of the sickness of narcissism. There are only casualties. 🙂

    • Hi Paula, thanks for passing this along! You’re right – I’m not sure “enjoy” is the right word, but I find it all so incredibly fascinating. I’m coming to realize that my ex’s antisocial disorder type of traits are a stronger component than I realized. I’m not sure he’s ever had that narcissistic charm that makes it so hard to get over. All I’ve desired since the minute I found the bravery to say it was over has been my freedom from him. I want to see him “poof” off the face of the earth… not be hurt or anything (I’m too nice for that), but certainly he could move to the moon, right? Or even maybe just Amsterdam and forget how to speak english? Oh well… que sera sera (whatever will be, will be 🙂

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