Coparenting with a Narcissist Requires a (slightly sick) Sense of Humor

There are many aspects of someone who has narcissist traits that can be particularly funny, if you can distance yourself from it all.

Given that my ex is refusing to let me speak with my kids tonight, I will see if I can err on the side of amusing myself by laughing about some of the strange things he does.  It’s either laugh or cry….

So here’s a list of interesting narcissistic behavior:

1. My ex once posted an ad on Craig’s List offering his services as a professional property manager for multi-residential units (aka apartments).  He has absolutely no experience in this realm whatsoever.

2.  My ex went to visit a buddy from b-school, who lives on a farm in Utah.  Dear ex calls it a “gentleman’s ranch”.  I’m guessing it makes him feel important and superior to vacation on a ‘gentleman’s ranch’.

3.  I should have recognized it as a warning sign when I first met him around the holidays, and everyone else had a ‘Christmas Tree’, but he had a ‘Living Conifer’

4. When my kids visit with him, they are dressed to the nine’s for a day where they are simply going to the playground…  It was a hot, hot day in the summer, but yet my five year old son was dressed in a long sleeve button up dress shirt.  Well, maybe it was because the kids had no other clothes clean…. that’s definitely a possibility too!

5. My ex and I purchased furniture together.  One of the pieces was an armoire for our bedroom.  At the store, there was no mention of whether it would be him or me that used it.  Once it was home, it was decidedly his… as he declared that it was (drum roll, please)…. you guessed it… a “gentleman’s armoire”.  He said it is meant to hold the men’s suits.

6.  My ex liked to shop at Brooks Brothers.  I suppose it felt upscale to him.  He went in there countless times just looking.  One particular day, he visited the store with the intention of purchasing a suit.  He was irate when there wasn’t anyone that greeted him at the front of the store, or within minutes of being there.  He looked through the suits, and no one was waiting on him.  I said “why don’t you ask them to help you?”.  He was nothing short of pissed.  “I’m here to spend $2000 on a new suit, they need to be here to wait on me.”,  he replied.  So I asked: “How would they know that?  Did you carry a sign that said so?”  He grumped, I laughed inside.  “Better yet,” I continued, “maybe, just maybe, their customer research results said that most customers want to be left alone to browse and hate to be pestered… but yet they are supposed to know that you are the ONE customer that prefers something different?”  Ha!

7.  I believe that this is a common narcissistic trait: that they are lazy and want to have someone else who does life’s mundane tasks for them.  Laundry is below them, as is cleaning the house.  My ex’s mom refers to him as her “prince” and that he doesn’t have to lift a finger (hmmm… where did he get his issues from?).  Once upon a time, I found a note from my ex’s old girlfriend before me, which must have been stuffed for years in an old bag.  She wrote in it a complaint about how he needed to lug his old <curse> laundry from NY to SC next time, and this was the last time she was doing it for him (they were commuting between the two cities).  I know – this isn’t really funny – because we all know what it’s like and how the NPD individual wants to have us do this all for them.  But maybe, just maybe, there’s a little humor in how they repeat, repeat, and repeat patterns in their lives over and over again.

8.  Speaking of laundry… after we were married, he made his expectations known:  I was expected to hand launder his dress shirts and press them myself.  It would keep care of his custom made shirts for longer.  Do you want to know how many times I actually did this?  ZERO.  I laughed at his ass and told him that he could do it himself if he wanted his shirts to last longer.  His response?  “Why did I get married then?”

9.  There are glorious moments in time when things happen in such a wonderful way.  He is lazy in other ways too – and one of them is automotive care and maintenance.  Once, the daycare called him by mistake when our daughter was sick.  He heroically left work to pick her up and save the day.  (ha! If I had asked him, he would’ve responded with curse words).  However, in this case, God intervened.  He arrived to pick up our daughter, and upon trying to drive away – he couldn’t 🙂  Why?  Because his car wouldnt’ restart!  Whoo-hoo! I love you, God!

10.  To that end, he has had three cars die on the side of the road:  a jeep which he owned when I met him, a Mazda 626 (his credit history sucked at these times and he couldn’t afford anything fancy), and an Audi (which I told him had bad reviews for that style/year).   Two of these time correspond to when he should have been picking up our kids from me.  Again… whoo-hoo! I love you, God!

11.  A few weeks ago, I have to admit the saddened yet glorious feeling I had when my daughter called and said she threw up … in her dad’s car…

Ok, Ok… that’s enough for now… I’ll work on my list to make it into a really good top 10 and send it into David Letterman.

** JUST REMEMBERED A GOOD ONE:  My ex used to get soooo mad if I called him while he was on the toilet.  Seriously?? How in the *(&^ am I supposed to know? and why did he even answer the phone?


5 Responses to “Coparenting with a Narcissist Requires a (slightly sick) Sense of Humor”

  1. bev says:

    I loved the laundry/shirts part. When we were first married, as a loving wife, I would iron his shirts. Over the years this became more and more of a chore (with three young children) and suggested he just drop them off at the cleaners to do a more professional job. Eventually this task seemed to move onto my list of things to do – all sorts of excuses, like I could just take a different way home from work, etc. I fought against this thinking – after all, he needed to be responsible for something. I would find the blue laundry bag in the back seat of my car, wised up, and he would get angry when I put it back in his car. He would get angry when he ran out of his favorite shirts because I didn’t pick them up at the cleaners like he told me to do. At marriage counseling (only went three times because he “wasn’t getting anything out of it”), one of his complaints against me was that I stopped ironing his shirts and then wouldn’t take/pick them up from the cleaners! When the therapist asked him why couldn’t he just do it himself… Ha. NPD outed.

  2. shannen marie says:

    OMG!! I can so relate to this. My ex shows up at my daughter’s t-ball games late wearing a tie. Normally this would be fine if the game was in the afternoon and he was leaving work to be there but my ex dresses as a PIRATE for work!! LOL I can tell you that I have never laughed harder in my life. After I realized what I was dealing with and decided not to let him control my life I came to the conclusion that this individual was brought into my life to amuse me. It certainly took me awhile to get where I am now and I am concerned for the damage he is causing our children but I can only follow court order, which he doesn’t, and work extra hard to preserve their sanity.

    • That is really funny! My ex dresses up for events that don’t make any sense either. The worst is when he shows up wearing a full light blue & white seersucker suit, and brown & white wing tip shoes. What in the world was I thinking? I swear he didn’t do this at the beginning of our relationship!!

  3. Julie says:

    Lol! Thanks for the laughs. I have one to add. NPDs are oblivious to the fact that most people dont care what they think and don’t think highly of them. (Cause everyone is jealous and beneath them). Once I wrote an email to my NPD which was very toungue in cheek and sarcatistic about how great he was and I was going out of my way to do everything for him because he is soo important and has important things to do. I could tell by his response he thought I was sincere and totally missed that I was messing with him. WOW


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