The Quest for a Psychological Evaluation

This is a great example of narcissism, if I’ve ever seen one.  I honestly read an email from my ex and laughed aloud. 

Here’s the scoop – I am trying to have our 5.5 year old son psychologically evaluated for regressive behaviors.  My ex has been in “do not consent” mode for years now on this.  It finally came to a ‘necessity’ to get it done when our 8 year old daughter reported to her therapist that she allows our son to suck on her nipples to try to soothe him when they are at their father’s house.  My ex isn’t aware of this part, as her therapist wants to maintain client confidentiality.  However, ex has been told that by daughter’s therapist that she recommends an evaluation be done, and was recently provided with a name of who she recommends do the evaluation.  I wrote another post on this meeting that she had with him, where he relayed all the issues that he has with me to our daughter’s therapist:

Yesterday, I let him know that I contacted the doctor, and sent the forms that the doctor wants us to both fill out.  Seems simple, right? After all, he told our daughter’s therapist (“DT”) that he would agree to an evaluation if we use the person which DT recommends.

However, here is the email I received, written to me and my daughter’s therapist (with names removed):

“I feel my request has not been properly addressed. I DO NOT consent to <son> being seen or you speaking with any Doctor about this. I was clear with <DT> about this.
If you want to proceed, I was clear that I have requests that must be met prior to proceeding.
1. <Son> resumes horse lessons. You will be required to write a letter to <the horse farm> authorizing them to proceed.
2. I get the Thursday evening back from when you went to see your father a year ago. *
3. I get the overnight 24 hour period from the weekend of my custody we split in June. Somehow you think I’m a fool and won’t remember what you promised. **

These three terms are non-negotiable. Until they are satisfied, I DO NOT CONSENT to anyone speaking to anyone about <son>.
<DT>, I’m disappointed. I was very clear with you when we met that these minimal requirements had to be met. Apparently no one cares about my needs.”

* My father was in intensive care in the hospital and we missed a dinner visitation to be there with him out of town.  I offered “make up times”, but he found these unsuitable. 

** I offered a make up time for this one too, which he agreed to.  However, he returned them at their regular time anyway and didn’t use the make up time.

That phrase, “apparently no one cares about my needs”, is perfectly synonymous with my definition of NPD : a black hole of needs.

Humor and compassion… God help me to use these to give me strength to get through this stuff with my ex!


13 Responses to “The Quest for a Psychological Evaluation”

  1. Stacey says:

    Wow, yes! that is totally an email from someone with NPD! You want? Well I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! And its NOT negotiable! Geez. Imagine what it would be like if he was putting all that effort towards making sure his kids got what they needed.

    • LOL, and AMEN! It would be beautiful if he put that effort towards what our kids actually, really need. But then again, if that were the case – he wouldn’t be narcissistic, and I probably wouldn’t be divorced and also wouldn’t be here writing this blog 😉

  2. Julie says:

    I was thinking of taking my child to a theripst but just the idea of the fight that would ensue makes me tired. I bet our children wouldn’t have psychological issues if their fathers didn’t have NPD. So sad that the courts don’t recognize the psychological damage that children suffer from a NPD parent and seeing their mothers psychically and pyscholically abused.

    • It is sad. I have hopes, though, that eventually the court systems will change. Unfortunately and realistically, it may take too long for our benefit, but I still have hopes.

  3. Grace says:

    Just because the decree says he has to pay half of expenses and child support doesn’t mean they will

    Mine is now $15k behind in decreed money that I am to receive (equity from sale of our house, unpaid child support, unpaid expenses). He says if I ever take him to court, he’ll have it paid before we go in front of a judge. I need $2500 to retain an attorney, which I don’t have because I’m financially backed into a wall.

    The circle continues

    • Thoughts (maybe collectively we’ll figure this out!) – one thought is to open a case with the department of child support enforcement (I have my paperwork ready to do so), two is that you can request that he pay attorney fees, although if he does pay before it gets to a judge you may not get the fees, but you would be up $12.5k. Three is to look for a legal aide or pro bono program. You may start with calling state or county DV organizations and ask them to refer you to groups or attorneys who do this, especially those who work with domestic violence victims in particular (they will understand the dynamics). Fourth is to file pro se. The paperwork to file is online in our state, but should also be available at a courthouse. Just doing that may get you closer to him paying.

  4. Ana says:

    You have to wonder who decided joint custody is a good thing . I hope this gets resolved soon and your son gets the help he needs.
    My daughter was having problems with depression but my ex was convinced she was ok. He agreed to medication only after I said I would pay for the dr visits. Dealing with theses people is so draining.

  5. Grace says:

    This is classic!

    I’m in a similar situation with my ex refusing to consent to medical/psychological treatment despite recommendations that our child receive them. I reviewed the decree, latched on to the part about how I have the right to consent to non-invasive medical and psychological treatment and care WHEN THE CHILDREN ARE IN MY CARE.

    So after his last chance at cooperating and being an active participant and choosing instead to consent because of how it made HIM feel, I advised him that I was moving forward. I detailed the professionals that were on board (teacher, school, professional evaluation, children’s hospital, pediatrician), and that to not follow their advise would be neglectful. The appointment for our child is set for x-day, at x-time, and I hoped he would decide to involve himself.

    He no-showed, again. And has yet to submit his paperwork to any of the professionals. But instead of letting him be a stumbling block, I have learned to step over him and keep going.

    As long as I don’t violate the decree, I’m safe. Of course, he violates our decree constantly, but you know that the minute I do it all hell will break loose

    Review your decree to see if you have this stipulation, and move forward. You have his earlier approval of a person referred by DT. It’s necessary. Just keep stepping over him.

    • You are lucky and brilliant! I wish I had that clause. In my state, it could be that I can move forward as long as I notify him of what I am doing, but most if not all the mental health professionals refuse to do anything without the explicit legal consent of both parents if there is joint legal custody. The doctor that we were recommended we use is in that camp. I filed in court to get my daughter’s therapist assigned, and for whatever reason, in this case there was a desire to try all non-court methods first. As I see it, I have tried them and am now ready to file for (1) my son to be able to be evaluated based on DT’s recommendation, (2) that my ex pay his portion of DT and the new guy, based on the child support order we already have in place (he’s not), and (3) that he be required to pay child support (he’s not). “Arduous” is the word that comes to mind when co-parenting with the personality disordered!

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