An Interesting Upside / Downside to Parenting Well with a Narcissist

This week, as the school counselor interviewed my daughter, she reported to me repeatedly how “upbeat” and “in good spirits” my daughter was even as she speaks about what happens.

The counselor said that “her therapist must be doing a remarkable job with her”.  Yes, she is.. but frankly – I also think it’s all the things that happen at home that really help complement that one hour every two weeks in therapy.

Although, …. I wonder …. since my daughter is able to be strong emotionally – does that take away from what happened?  Do they think that it must not be as bad as the kids described, or affecting them all that much … if the child can be upbeat and positive?

Of course, they don’t see the mental breakdown my daughter has after returning from her dad’s.  They didn’t see her crying, kicking, screaming, hitting walls and floors and having a full on tantrum about how hard her life is and why does her life  have to be this HARD?

No, because I worked through that with my daughter.  I was able to do that because I haven’t been working full time because my kids need me.  So I canned doing any work that day and I sat there with my daughter as she worked through all those emotions.

So, it’s good for my daughter, as she is emotionally stronger for dealing with all this, but … does that mean that people listen less because she’s not an emotional wreck from it?

It’s an interesting upside… that what is happening at home and with the therapist is really helping… and potentially an interesting downside, too – that maybe it deters others from understanding just how hard and how much of an effect it really is.

4 Responses to “An Interesting Upside / Downside to Parenting Well with a Narcissist”

  1. Heather says:

    It actually sounds great that she’s that resilient.

    No one really “gets” the NARC. I am a psychologist and many of my psychologist “friends” have supported my ex in this divorce because they have been conned. In my case, the legal system “understood” him and the school system “gets” how difficult he is as well. Mostly, because I stopped enabling him to be high functioning in these systems, whereas with my “friends” I enabled him so that he looked much higher functioning than he actually is. Get this – the man has 3 wives and 3 divorces, a bankrupcy, and an established hx of animal cruelty including shooting a dog to death and beating a horse (should have checked with the exes before I married him), as well as recent child abuse charges. But HE’S the victim, right? Such a typical NARC!!!

    I think the goal for the kids (and you) is to continue doing such an outstanding job but with less energy over time. The arse deserves NO energy from any of you unless you WANT to put the energy in (and they may at times given that he’s their dad). For me, this includes supporting the girls’ relationship with their father but not tolerating them to act out the negative talk he puts in their brains about me. I hate these 3rd weeks because he has them most days and they come back very screwy… : (

    • Sorry on the delayed response. Spent a number of hours today with the school’s social worker, and had a very good meeting in understanding more how my children are doing in the school setting. Question for you… with your ex’s history, what is his visitation schedule? and how did it wind up that way? It bothers me to hear about the “3rd weeks” mostly with him – I do know what you mean with the kids being ‘screwy’. My kids have been very physically abusive with one another for the past week and the common response is “well, that’s how daddy treats US.”

  2. Grace says:

    Hmmm…maybe videotape her, just so you have it? kids have amazing coping skills, but sometimes they are TOO good. Professionals should see what you deal with behind the scenes.

    • I have before, to show a prior therapist the degree of pure breakdown that she was in. I voice recorded earlier this week, but neither is admissible in our court. Apparently the judges frown on it. Ether way , i can show the therapist for ideas on how to handle, which ultimately is what matters most.

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