Visitation with a Narcissistic Parent

The past several weekends have been really bad for my kids.  I’m sure this is a familiar situation to many:  kids who resist going, phone calls which are blocked or monitored, or involve a child crying about having to be there and wanting to come home.  Complaints of verbal raging (“he was yelling at the top of his lungs, and calling us fuck you, assholes, stupid idiots”), and physical hitting.  Complaints of trying to hide from their father, crying their eyes out, one sibling trying to protect or hide the other.

Why does the narcissistic parent not get it?  They are the ones doing this to their children, making it so that the kids don’t want to be there, yet they blame it on us and get angry when the children don’t want to be with them.

My daughter cried on the phone to me “I can’t make it another night”, she says.  My ex’s phone has to be on speaking so that I can somewhat figure out what my kids are saying, otherwise it is completely not understandable through the fuzz — so of course I can’t say “what the heck is happening to you??”.  They arrived home this past weekend 45 minutes late, which I know is because my ex is mad that I returned them later than he thought I should have after a friend’s party on Saturday.  The thing is – I returned right after the party ended, it just wasn’t when he thought it should be.  Abusive and controlling… right?  It reeks of an abusers behavior, who works hard to control every aspect of someone else, and when they don’t behave – there’s a price to pay… a passive aggressive payback like returning the kids late and trying to say that it was due to traffic.

After my kids were settled in, and as they headed to bed (only 1.5 hours later because of the late return), my daughter told me how her father raged at them after she cried on the phone to me.  She said that her brother hid behind her, crying and crying as he yelled at them – so much so that her back was soaked with his tears.  My son says “good thing daddy didn’t see me hiding there”.  He yelled at them “I do so much for you and I make all this stuff, and all you think about is your mom”.  That shows how he can’t understand human relationships.  It doesn’t matter if you ‘buy them a diamond ring” – if you’re yelling, hitting, raging and calling your children assholes… chances are, they aren’t going to like you.

And the other kicker?  My daughter had her cell phone carefully packed in her bag to return home.  I stupidly alerted him to it by asking him to remind our daughter to bring it home that evening (mistake with narcissists: do not assume they are normal people).  He then rummages through her bag and removes it, keeping it and apparently giving it to his attorney.  He drops them off without even getting out of the car – so to avoid any interaction with me or the kids.

There has to be a way to protect them from enduring this, and protect them from the risk that he loses it one day when they are in his care.  He’s far too close to it as it stands…

15 Responses to “Visitation with a Narcissistic Parent”

  1. Misty Hill says:

    OMG!… All of these posts sound exactly like my Ex-husband!!… My son is 13, and my daughter is 9… My ex too refuses to let either child have their cell phones, and their calls to me are monitered on his phone… My son and my daughter both hate this, as they want privacy and prefer to text… Its tough for them, as we are very close and text a lot! My daughter was upset one time, and she wanted to call and talk to me, and he mocked her, making fun of her, and she has a lot of emotional problems, as well as high anxiety caused by her tourrettes syndrome!… He has done several other things to her too… Made fun of her, laughed at her while she vomited after a ride i told him not to take her on at the fair, then made her walk around in over 100 degree weather while she cried, wanting to leave!… He’s a jerk!

  2. Tired of N's ridiculous statements says:

    If you don’t have a hand held (portable) recorder, I will send you mine at no cost!

  3. Tired of N's ridiculous statements says:

    Natalia, please purchase a little hand held recorder for your daughter to have more viable proof of his abuse. I would say to teach her to use the video camera on the phone but, won’t work if it’s stolen away to his lawyer’s office…This has to stop. My heart breaks for you and your little ones. Stay stronger then the jackass.

    • So.. I did sent her with the tiniest version of one I could find, stuffed in her shoe. It doesn’t even look like a recorder. However, it fell out, and all heck broke lose. Plus, my atty says it looks bad on me and all of the judges frown on doing that (why??).

  4. StrongerMe says:

    Oh my…we have I-Don’t-Want-To-Go-To-Dad’s Marathon Wednesdays and Please-Help-Me Thursdays. It’s awful. I’m powerless to help them because the law says he gets visitation. (Which is why we are in a court battle)
    The cell phone…read my son’s texts pleading for help and screamed at him and acted like he was going to hit him for it. (But he’s never done anything to them.)
    Passive-Agressive Retaliation…know it SO SO well. It’s not always passive, though. He often TELLS me that he is doing whatever he is doing because of whatever wrong he thought was done to him. He offers a trade – I will bring them home on time, if you blah blah blah.

    • Acting like he’s going to hit is still a real threat. I had the parent coordinator say to me “but has he actually ever done anything?” in relation to threats that he would take the kids. REALLY? A threat is a threat – and if it provokes fear, that in itself makes it viable and it shouldn’t be diminished.

  5. Ana says:

    Who pays for the phone? Can you report it stolen?
    I feel bad for your children. They shouldn’t have to deal with this behavior and the system is letting all of you down. The rights of one sick individual shouldn’t trump the rights of defenseless children to feel save.

    • I agree with you and like many, keep hoping our “system” would work better than it does. The phone is mine – I told him it was larceny that he’s keeping it, but it doesn’t make a difference to him. He feels he is in the right.

  6. Grace says:

    Did he keep her cell? Our decree says that the kids are to be returned WITH their belongings at the end of the other parent’s time. He is violating the decree by keeping it, if that’s what he did.

    Of course, not that they care about the decree anyway 😉

    The kids are in therapy, right?

    • Hi Grace, he did keep her phone – and the locator says it is at his attorney’s office. My daughter is in therapy. I have filed a motion with the courts to have my son evaluated.

      • beth says:

        I would call the cell phone company and declare it lost or stolen and temporarily discontinue service on it. If he gives it back you can restart the service. Although I don’t know why he would take it to his attorney’s office? To prove what?

        • He did it once before too – a long time ago I had to have it mailed back to my attorney from his. The thing is – he won’t let her touch the phone when there and calls can only be made from his phone. However, on occasion, his phone has died and he’s actually used her’s to call us, as well as for his own personal stuff! He doesn’t keep a house phone. He actually has two phones (one she left the weekend prior) – one is turned off already, and the other is prepay and will run out of funds.

  7. Jenni says:

    Oh my gosh, he’s far more than narcissistic. You should report him to the authorities right away. Take pictures of any bruises. Being a narc doesn’t give him the right to beat your children. It gives him the right to lose them and go to jail! I feel so bad for them! Let him try to explain it all to a judge instead of to the kids. He won’t get far.

    • I actually have an update on that – reporting to cps, school counselor. It doesn’t turn out the way one would hope, and it’s very frustrating. Thanks for the validation… the whole thing is extremely frustrating.

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