Healing Journey: Life Patterns

During the time I have spent in meditation, self-reflection and theta healing sessions- I have started to piece together some amazing   connections and notice patterns in my life that repeatedly play out.  Some say that God gives us lessons and until we learn them, he keeps putting the same thing in our lives.  Others believe that it is just simply that we, ourselves, repeat the only behavior we know over and over again – so we see the same experiences repeat themselves.  Another way of looking at this is from the lens of “self-fulfilling prophecies”, and times when people believe for better or worse that something may happen in their lives, and then it does, and then they point to it and say “look, I told you!”.  Regardless of what perspective that we use to look at it – there seems to be agreement that there are patterns in peoples lives. Here are some I have noticed in my life that I am addressing in healing.  I am looking at them and noticing just how far back into my life that they have existed, and recognizing that perhaps that is when this trend started and I formed beliefs which continue to play out experiences in my life over and over subconsciously.  Of course, these are personal to me, but I also personally believe that there are certainly commonalities which we would find exist if everyone who was in a relationship with a personality disordered individual examined their lives.   Here’s mine, so far:

1. Bullies & aggressive people.  My last ex is not the first abusive person in my life.  I think that most people in abusive relationships can say the same.  It was not only not the first abusive romantic relationship, but I can trace it all the way back to a little bully girl who really intimidated me back in the early years of grade school.

2. Stuffing emotions and not dealing with them.  Throughout my life, I have been the “strong” person who can support others through funerals and other traumatic life events.  In the abusive relationship, I would rationalize away emotions – particularly those like anger or feeling that it was abusive.  At the time of our custody trial three years ago, my attorney gave me an assignment to go home and watch the most tear-provoking movie I could think of so that I could release emotions and cry.  I realize now she was right – in order to pull myself through it, I ignored a lot of emotions and never processed them. Recently, I find myself crying more or even just ‘sitting’ with the feeling to understand it better.

3. Wanting to escape.  I have noticed for a long time a pattern of moments where I wanted to escape situations, to quit and run.  Flight vs. fight engaged in me.  This also applies to relationships, even though I had many long term commitments – I had a tendency to just want to be done with them (maybe because of #1 above and how many were abusive!)

4. A belief in the need to suffer so I could learn.  This is a new enlightenment.  Perhaps there was too much emphasis growing up regarding life sufferings (my parents, particularly my mom, grew up without much and tends to focus on things that are ‘horrible’).  Where I’ve landed is that I can/could have learned about boundaries and that my needs are important as well through life lessons that didn’t involve suffering.

5. Lack of self-worth and believing that I am worthy of great things just like anyone else around me.  I haven’t ever felt that I was worthy of a wonderful, supportive, loving romantic relationship and the eventual stuff that went with it – children, a nice home & home life, etc.  I often looked at others who had this in bewilderment and felt that it would never enter my life.  Perhaps it just will now that I am realizing that I, too, am worthy and capable of having that environment in my life. It also means that I have to consider myself as being worthy of support and love from others.

6. Others needs are paramount over mine.  I would bet my life savings (oh yeah, that went to the attorneys..lol) over the fact that anyone reading this is nodding their head on this trend.  Even my recent focus on this healing journey is a step to spend time focused on ME (wow, really?).  Although, even this morning is an example as I got us all out the door for the day only to realize that I fed the cat, the dog and two kids – but forgot me. 🙂 Another aspect of this is being so overforgiving of others that I sacrifice myself and my needs.  It’s a good thing to be compassionate, but another story altogether to ignore my own needs & boundaries in the process.  This, by the way, is a model which comes from  my mom.

7.  Alice in Wonderland.  People didn’t turn out as I thought that were quite frequently over several years now.  I can’t date this one back further into childhood, but I can certainly see that recently there is a trend that life, and the reactions of others who should be fighting to help children in abusive situations, has been almost surreal.  Far too often, I’m left scratching my head at other’s responses because they have been so odd.

I am sure there are more, which either fold into these or are yet to be discovered or simply yet to be jotted into my notes.  It feels so good, though, to recognize these and to change my beliefs to reflect what I want to attract into my life.  Even just writing this post makes me realize how many of the above are interconnected and how much of an impact these patterns have had in my life.

3 Responses to “Healing Journey: Life Patterns”

  1. JenelleMarie says:

    Wonderful work you’re doing!!! You really are opening so much of yourself in the process and I love and appreciate you sharing. I was one nodding my head to all as well.

  2. Heather says:

    I love the direction your blog is taking!

    I pick up strays. I’m like the Navajo woman who saves the rattlesnake. Then when the snake bites me, I’m surprised. I get pissed that the snake is a snake.

    I’m trying to learn that my salvation is not in saving the rattlesnakes. I’m very tired of being bitten.

    So when I run across a snake when dating or living, I try to let them go kindly. Snakes have their purpose too. But I don’t have to let them live with me anymore ; )

    Good work on the blog!

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