Healing path and progress in our situation

I have been continuing down my path to find my own healing, and focusing on me, and what is within me that may attract a situation like this into my life.  In other words – what life lesson do I need to learn?  What beliefs do I have, conscious or unconscious, that are not serving me?  (for e.g. – some people believe that they have to be poor, or will always be poor – and then they subconsciously play that out in their lives; only to say “see? I can never make any money even when I try.”)

I have tried some new avenues lately – one was working with someone new and we discussed releasing emotions that I’ve left bottled up for a long time.  I know this to be true – that even though I’m trying to not be angry or resentful and generally am not – there are still residual emotions from the past that I never released.  This has a wonderful feel to it.

The other avenue that I have been working on is called “Ho’oponopono”.  Seriously! This is an ancient Hawaiian forgiveness ritual, also related to “Huna”.  It’s really fascinating and works on a very similar principle – that when I heal what is inside me, I will see the discordance dissolve outside of me. (in the situations that I am in).  What this means, is that I have been diligently going through all sorts of feelings, reactions, interactions with me ex and forgiving him and me for our part in it.  I have then committed those feelings and memories “to the Divine” (aka God for me) so that He may transform them.

So here’s what happened lately that will blow you away.  This week, starting last Friday and through tomorrow, should have been one of the weeks of summer vacation that my ex has by way of the court order.  My kids have continued to be adamant that they would not sleep over their dad’s house, and would not be with him much.  And they haven’t.  They spent some time with their Dad and his parents on Saturday and Sunday (relatively not much), and are there a little today.  They didn’t spend time with him on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.  On Tuesday, however, my kids had expected I would pick them up from their summer program after work.  My ex sent me a text saying he was going by to “say hello” (they had already told him by phone the night prior that they did not want to go).   So I waited 30 minutes and then left to go get them.

When I arrived, they were walking out together with their stuff.  I’m  not surprised.. their dad continues to hound them, tell them whatever they want to hear and basically manipulate them.  He was angry that I was there.  I said what I did above – that they said they weren’t going, I was to pick them up, he was going by to say hello, so I had waited.  The kids immediately jumped over with me and got defensive.  We wound up in a long discussion.

What I saw in this discussion was that:

1- For my ex, it wasn’t important that he has a good relationship with his kids.  What matters is whether he “wins” his time with them.  I actually asked that “Is it about having a good relationship, or the time?”  He said “the time”.  I said “ok”.  Then he tried to backtrack and say that the time spent together would build the relationship.  But we’ve seen different… when they spend a lot of time together, it destroys the relationship.

2- In every part of the conversation, his focus kept leaving the kids and returning to the ‘war’ with me.  He kept saying how he wants me to do certain things for him so he can begin to trust me.  I kept pointing out each time that the statements had to do with working with me, and the fight he has with me.  It was a great reminder (yet again) to me that his interests are really about revenge on me and taking the kids from me for revenge.  (back to my healing note – I spent some time thinking about this and going through that forgiveness ritual)

3- He has no empathy.  I know this, but the conversation confirmed it.  I gave him a heads up that my nephew is in intensive care after a major surgery, and that I may want to go.  He said I couldn’t leave with the kids until after his “time”.  I said “look, I waited once when my sister lost her baby (at 35 weeks) because your sister was in town visiting, and I’ll never get that time back to have been there to support her”.  He interjected “do you mean the miscarriage?”  He can’t understand the pain that’s associated with a still born, because he can’t see that baby as a human.  For my nephew – he said it didn’t matter to him whatsoever.  I said “it should – this is someone who is very important to your children.  It’s their cousin whom they love”.  Of course, he still can’t get that.

For me – I feel sorry for him that this is how he has to go through life, and can clearly beyond his behaviors – that he isn’t trying to be a jerk sometimes just to be a jerk – he literally cannot understand or empathize.5-

4- He continuously kept blaming me that I was filling their heads with crap, and referenced Parental Alienation.  He accused me of wanting to kick him out of their lives.  I kept reminding him that I have never said that… that I have said that I want them to come up with something that works where they can still have a relationship (with boundaries).

5- Here’s the scary part.  He continuously denies EVER getting angry.  He also admits that he doesn’t even know he does it (like recently saying “what the fucking hell” to our daughter).  He also then tries the route of making excuses and saying that it’s normal for people growing up on Long Island to curse at their kids and be angry.  I said “I’m not raising them on Long Island”.  Nevermind that while I don’t live in NY, I do know some really wonderful people and parents who actually live on LI and I do not buy his stereotype whatsoever.  The point is – he continuously denies his behavior, blames the other person for making him mad or being too sensitive, or rationalizes it.  Based on Lundy Bancroft’s work – he will not change.


There are other parts of that conversation, but what happened next was confounding.  He is asking me to provide a new custody schedule for the next two months, understanding that there are no overnights, and he will agree to whatever it is.

So, that’s where we are.   Miraculous, isn’t it?  Who knows what the two month thing is.. but I know that I will keep working through the healing as I have and envision a world which is different for me and my kids – one that is safe, loving and much more “normal” for them to grow up in.


13 Responses to “Healing path and progress in our situation”

  1. Anonymous says:

    #1-4 in your post. OMG! You and I are speaking from one mind. This is so my experience with him. Everything is about revenge against me, winning time, withholding the girls from me. And he wraps it all up in what he calls his Principles of the matter. I keep wanting to talk about the children, feelings, what they discovered in the backyard today, their new hobbies, what the dentist said, etc. He just wants to talk about the war and how he hopes my life is short so he can sleep at night knowing he won and his children won’t be damaged by me any longer. And he now has a new wife and new baby…and she can’t see him for what he is…I am the vile thing. I pray pray his new family is awesome so he gets so bored with us we fall away and he leaves us alone.

  2. Ella says:

    I am dealing with the same thing. The kids do not want to go with him, they say it is too much, my daughter is adamant and is starting to see his narcs behaviors. We only separated 2 months ago. He has threatened my daughter with counseling if she does not go with him. Shouldnt counseling be a positive thing? He also says he will make her go with him if she doesnt want to go. I dobt know what to do as the lawyers are of help. Any advice?

  3. Heather says:

    So to update… He still has overnights but the judge made it extremely clear that he will never get more time with kids and can get less. The girls get a GAL for recreational activities only. I can get passports and he needs to stay in car at drop offs and pick ups. His motion for custody eval was denied. We each get 20 days vacation (not a great win for me frankly but my attorney thinks in a couple of years it will be). Hopefully he starts behaving himself as he moves onto wife number 4. (he proposed a week before a custody hearing… How romantic…)

  4. Heather says:

    Decisive win! Thanks so much for prayers and your blog

  5. Linda says:

    Greetings to you and thanks for sharing your experience you know sometimes I feel like I’m all alone in this battle with my ex but I realize that unfortunately there are thousands of women out there that have been through or are dealing with same thing with their ex and children. I have never been through the type of abuse that i experience with my ex althou i’v been physically abused by other men but this is different with my ex i have never known ny man that’s so self absorbed and not only rationalize wrong doing but absolute take no accountability/responsibility for his actions NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE where he’s wrong .

    • Linda says:

      Part of my healing is acknowledging that there is a lesson in this whole experience for me to learn and that i do not deserve to be mistreated and abused by anyone. I began talking to the GOD and praying realizing Only GOD can heal my pain. My ex and I talk only on the weekenf regarding picking up and dropping off our baby girl who is almost 24 months old we have set scedule for now he keeps her all day Saturday and bring her back that evening same with Sunday. And now he’s requesting through the courts to keep our baby almost 4days out the week with no contact with me as her mother and primary caregiver well i object to that at this time due to her age its too much of a dramatic change on a baby that young, so another battle i am always open for him to spend some time with her during the week but our work scedule conflict with such a schedule.

      • Hi Linda,
        Thanks for stopping by! Personally, I think you are doing great 🙂 You are open to your ex having time and a relationship with your daughter – which is good from the view of the courts. The “no contact” with the mom/primary caregiver is a common theme. Unfortunately, it’s because the desire to have the visitation/custody time is driven from a desire to get even with you and hurt you. The best thing you can do is to seek to show this in court – that his motives are revengeful and not geniune, and that you do support his having a relationship with your daughter but it doesn’t have to be at the expense of your daughter’s well being.

        My thoughts and prayers are with you- I wish the best for you and your little baby girl!

        • Linda says:

          Greetings to you and thank you for your response, i pray that all goes well with the courts in two weeks, I’m really trying to focus on myself as well as analyzing why I got involved with such a man, what was i feeling and thinking at the time? Why do i attract such “doggish” Type men? As i question the God with the proper spirit He began to reveal certain things to me which i believe is part of my healing which I keep repeating its almost like a cycle of pattern that just doesn’t work and obviously i didn’t get the lesson previously.

  6. Heather says:

    That’s great! I’ve been working a lot on compassionate meditation but I might try the forgiveness ritual. We have a court date after I return from Vacation with the kids. My sincere prayer is that it helps him mature so he can become a less negligent and more present/caring dad. Prayers needed from all that this turns out the best way possible. It looks like it may go there. The sister is becoming more and more bored with tge drama and seems to have stopped fueling his narcissism a tad bit (allowed him to hire an attorney) and his new girlfriend has brought much needed stability on this side of the pic.

    I really have been conceptualizing him as a child who has deep injuries. It helps, but I still want a win in court bc that’s the only thing he understands.

    • Hi Heather,
      I have been thinking about you and praying for you and a good outcome. I hope that it comes to be! I agree that it helps a lot to approach with compassion and understanding about where his actions stem from and that he can only operate with the capabilities that he has.
      I also agree that the win in court is important – not because it is a victory over him, but because it’s about putting boundaries in place to protect your children. You can’t change him, but you can change the way you and your kids have a relationship with him given the limitations.

      Muchas prayers to you!!

    • Hey there – been thinking about you and wondering if you have any news regarding court?

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