About Natalia Tessa

Natalia Tessa has been a member since May 11th 2011, and has created 170 posts from scratch.

Natalia Tessa's Bio

Mom of two inspired to make a difference in the lives of my kids and others who have a narcissistic ex or parent

Natalia Tessa's Websites

This Author's Website is http://coparentingwithanarcissist.com

Natalia Tessa's Recent Articles

Hypnosis for Dealing with Narcissists

Life’s been busy.  I am five classes and five A’s :} into a MSW.  However, since I also have to work full time to simply cover the bills, I am stuck at the point of the program where they require “field work” – i.e. to work with clients directly in a program or agency.  The requirement for the second year of study is to do 14 hours per week.  I am trying to figure out how to do that when I work 40+ hours per week (and have to do so), and my kids are in my care full time.  Somehow, God will show me the way to accomplish this if that is what he intends.  In the meantime, I sure have enjoyed the coursework and have learned a lot.

Oftentimes, I come across information (or thoughts) that I feel would be good here on this blog.  I just found this tonight as I am trying to set up a new computer (mine decided to beg for permanent retirement a few months back).  During the set up, it added in bookmarks – of which I have many items which I think I want to read further later.

The one I found is this: http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/difficult-people/narcissist

It’s a CD that they are selling on how to deal with a narcissist, using hypnosis to help re-program the way you react to it.  I’m curious if it would work, and in fact would bet it probably would.  But… not enough to pay $15 for the CD.  For me, I’ll stick with meditation.

I also found this one: http://phoenixsphere.com/category/healing-after-relationship-with-a-narcissist/

This is great in that this poor woman had to grow up with a narcissistic mother, and then played it out later when she married a narcissistic husband.  She then, twenty years later, wound up back in a relationship with the guy after she didn’t see him for 18 years.  It’s NOT great that she had to go through it.  It is great that she worked on healing and was brave enough to post it for others to learn from it.  It is a perfect example that we all have lessons to learn in this life, and situations become available in our life to learn them.  If we learn it, then we can move on from it.  If not, we continue to recreate that situation in our life so we can eventually master it.  

I will look for ways to rekindle the posts on this site that I do.  It is a challenging road to take with a narcissistic person, and anyone in one needs all the help, support and HOPE that they can get.

Lots of love to all.

And then there were three, peacefully

I haven’t posted in a long time.  A LONG time.  I apologize for that.  Life has changed for us, and I am oh-so-very thankful.  Every day, I feel joyous thanks.

At the beginning of this year, my daughter decided she was done with the weekends with her dad, and protested loudly.  My son went by himself for several more weekends, then he found his voice and said he wanted to remain at home.  They played a dance with their dad for a long time, repeatedly telling him every other weekend how they felt.  I actually tried to settle them in on seeing him for a Sunday afternoon, every other weekend, but they didn’t want that either.  I realized that this was something I was doing out of guilt, feeling guilty and asking my kids to sacrifice for it and to act from a place of guilt rather than a place of love.  I specifically, cognitively, released these feelings. 

Now my kids are with me at home every night.  They see their dad for dinner once a week, and honestly, my daughter still just wants him “out ofher life”, and when my son detects feelings of guilt on my part cropping up, he reassures me that he has no desire to see his dad or be around him.  My son has an amazing demeanor at times of speaking to an all-knowing adult, where you have to shake your head, close your eyes, and focus on the fact that a little child just told you something so profound that you’re stunned.  He does this all too often, and then reverts back to his playful innocense.

My ex actually sold his big house and moved into a one bedroom apartment – which I take as a wonderful sign that he has moved on as well.  He took me to court at the beginning of the year to try to get child support reduced, and the judge told him he has a “fiduciary duty” to his children to maintain the type of income that he is clearly eligible to make.  The judge then ordered my ex to pay my attorney fees too.  Rejoice!!  The judge put up the boundary between me and my ex in a wonderful way.   My ex then filed for an appeal on having to pay that attorney fee (not an appeal on the decision itself, interestingly).  The appeal court basically gaffawed over the request, and said that of course the lower court had the right to levy attorney fees.  Whoo hoo!  And to note.. I say this from a place of goodness and not a feeling of “I won over you”.   It’s a feeling of thankfulness that the system, in this way, has stood up for what is right for the children involved.

I also started back to school for a second graduate degree in a totally new field:  an MSW (Masters of Social Work).  I am working full time as well, and as a result, see the sunrise every morning so I have enough hours in my day to accomplish this goal.  Why an MSW?  So I can pursue making systematic changes for children in abusive situations;  children who are court ordered to spend time with a disordered, abusive parent and “at risk” because of it. 

For the first time EVER… I had the BEST parent-teacher conference for my daughter.  Can you believe the teacher actually said “she’s such a happy kid”.  I almost cried !! (poor teacher).  It wasn’t “well, she’s great with … but she needs to stop hiding under the desk…. “.  It was so wonderful to hear that the way that things are going for them is working for them.  Her grades are amazing, and she is completely taking ownership and responsibility.

My son… here’ s the real kicker…. he had regressive behaviors – at the age of six, he wanted to nurse and routinely said he wanted to be a baby again because being a baby was easier.  He was sucking his thumb and always trying to put his hand in my shirt for comfort (I wouldn’t let him).  He pooped in his pants a lot too – and much more when stressed.  Within two months of routinely sleeping at home – that stopped.  STOPPED.  Nothing done to encourage it, nothing said about it, it just stopped.  Amazing.  Now, the poop in the pants only shows up if there’s an argument or stress coming from their dad, which I admit happens on occasion.  Only now – when it does, I can confront my ex with what is going on for them.  Again – this is from a loving perspective, and I usually get a cooperative response back. 

Thankful.  I am so incredibly thankful.   I honestly can’t pinpoint one thing or another on what brought about the changes, there have been so many components – my kid’s strength (especially my daughter), my own personal healing internally, etc.

On this blog I posted a “virtual vision board” – a page, which describes my vision for my life.  I haven’t looked at it in well over a year.  I opened it today to see what it said.  There’s much of it that is true – so so much. 

I have to say that the point of this post is to inspire hope that change can happen.  I believe in it, I truly do.  The post isn’t intended to say that the way I handle it was the “right” way… not at all, as I think that every situation is different, and we have our own answers inside of it, if we listen.   I practice that listening – mediation, quietening the mind, praying for God to help me make the best choices each day.  I also pray for every one else, and every other child who needs peace in their life.

Lots of love to all –

 

Healing path and progress in our situation

I have been continuing down my path to find my own healing, and focusing on me, and what is within me that may attract a situation like this into my life.  In other words – what life lesson do I need to learn?  What beliefs do I have, conscious or unconscious, that are not serving me?  (for e.g. – some people believe that they have to be poor, or will always be poor – and then they subconsciously play that out in their lives; only to say “see? I can never make any money even when I try.”) Read More…

Messages in our daily lives

Sometimes, things happen that make you wonder if someone (an angel, I hope!)  is standing next to you using events in your daily life to send you message.  I’ve had two moments like that lately, and I thought I would share.

One is actually some time back – about 2 months ago when my six year old son went from being afraid of speaking up for himself and feeling sorry for his dad – to all of a sudden and out of the blue telling his father he didn’t want to go with him for the weekend.  I had both my kids with me that weekend, and it was such an amazing blessing to see that tide turn. 

That evening… I looked in his backpack to find that he brought home a library book from school.  The title was “This way home.” Read More…

Some Freedom and the Puppy Dilema

It’s about time I did a new post.  It’s been far too long without anything. Frankly – I don’t know how all you single parents do so much!   I returned to working full time and it’s been quite an adventure in transition for me and my kids.

So here’s how things have been going for us… up until this weekend, it’s been wonderful.  My daughter has only been to her father’s for a full weekend once since December of last year.  She started telling him she didn’t want to go and refusing – strangely, he continues to show up at the after care place to pick them up and then proceed to drive away.  On the one weekend she went, it was because her father’s family was in town (they are not emotionally healthy people but she loves her Aunt).  Plus, her father had been in-the-hospital sick and the guilt factor was strong for her to see how he was doing.  When she found out he was just fine and it was hype, she was a bit annoyed. Read More…