Links to other resources

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

There are many, MANY organizations addressing domestic violence (the more the better, the bigger the voice we will have).  I cannot possibly list them all, but am noting some of them which have made the biggest difference for me personally in understanding what I was (am) dealing with myself.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE, TDD: 800-787-3224

Lundy Bancroft is an author, workshop leader, and consultant on domestic abuse and child maltreatment. His work focuses on three areas:

1)  Training professionals on best practices for intervening with male perpetrators of violence against women, toward the goal of promoting accountability and requiring change,

2)  Training professionals on the dynamics of emotional injury and recovery in children who are exposed to a man who abuses their mother, to prepare participants to offer the most effective and safe assistance possible to children and their mothers,   and

3)  Supporting healing and empowerment for abused women, with an emphasis on advocating for the human rights of mothers and their children.

Lundy is the author of several books in the field, including

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse

The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics (SAGE Series on Violence against Women)

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can–and Should–be Saved

*Personal note: I highly recommend Lundy’s books.  They are amazingly helpful and affirmative.  One of the most difficult challenges in being with a narcissist is the continual denial of your gut reactions.  The narcissist tells you that you are crazy for thinking anything he does is wrong, that he didn’t do it, that he’s a “good catch”.  One of the most important steps in healing is recognizing and reaffirming that you were correct in your assessment that normal people don’t act the way he does and that his behavior should not be tolerated!  

End Violence Against Women International:  To change our response to sexual violence, EVAW International focuses on connecting professionals and strengthening the community’s response system. We bring together the many diverse professionals who respond to victims of violence against women — to communicate, share, learn — and ultimately to strengthen the whole system by better understanding each component. All of this collaborative work is focused on creating a more compassionate response for the victim, a more aggressive prosecution of the perpetrator, and a more secure environment for communities everywhere.

EVAW International provides a wealth of expertise, resources and tools in this area. We also offer numerous opportunities for collaborative learning for professionals who work in — or interface with — the criminal justice response system.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

The Mission of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) is to organize for collective power by advancing transformative work, thinking and leadership of communities and individuals working to end the violence in our lives.

NCADV.org state coalition list:   http://www.ncadv.org/resources/StateCoalitionList.php

Stop Family Violence:
Stop Family Violence’s  mission is to organize and amplify our nation’s collective voice against family violence.  We are a catalyst for social change – empowering people to take action at the local, state and national level to ensure safety, justice, accountability and healing for people whose lives are affected by violent relationships.

AARDVARC: An Abuse, Rape & Domestic Violence Aid & Resource Collection
This site is for victims of violence, their families and friends, and the agencies and programs which serve them, both public and private. The goal of this website is to assist efforts to aid and support those trying to remove themselves from abusive situations and build healthier, stronger lives. For individuals, we hope to provide general educational and reference material as well as a comprehensive nationwide directory of services for “one stop shopping”.

NARCISSISM, NPD, PERSONALITY DISORDERS

Eleanor Payson:  Eleanor’s commitment to treating issues relating to narcissistic wounding over the past twenty years led her to help people in codependent relationships with narcissistic individuals. Her book,The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family,provides new insight and help for the layperson who is struggling with the many confusing and painful challenges that occur when in relationship with someone who has strong narcissistic traits, or a narcissistic personality disorder.   * Personal note – I found Eleanor’s book to be the most helpful on the topic.  It was easy to understand and provided many “ah-ha” moments.  As a result, I contacted her and scheduled a few phone sessions to apply the information further to my own situation.  I also found this time to be amazingly helpful.

Sandra L. Brown, M.A., CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education holds a Masters Degree in Counseling with a former specialization in personality disorders/pathology. She is a program development specialist, lecturer, community educator, and an award-winning author. Her books include the award winning Click here to view more details“>How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, and FAMILY COURT / CHILD ABUSE

Bill Eddy is President of High Conflict Institute based in Scottsdale, Arizona. Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California with fifteen years’ experience representing clients in family court, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples, and families in psychiatric hospitals and out patient clinics. He is Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California.

He provides seminars on mental health issues for judges, attorneys, and mediators, and seminars on law and ethics for mental health professionals. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law. His articles have appeared in national law and counseling journals. He is the author of several books, including It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Handling People Who Blame Others for Everything, High Conflict People in Legal Disputes and SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.

http://whatiscoparenting.com/New-Ways-3.html

http://billeddyhighconflictinstitute.blogspot.com/2010/08/can-narcissists-share-parenting.html

High Conflict Institute (HCI) was co-founded in 2007 by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., and Megan L. Hunter, MBA, to provide education and resources to professionals handling High Conflict disputes.

HCI believes that high conflict family law disputes are not driven by complex issues, but by High Conflict Personalities (HCPs). Based on Bill’s broad training in mental health, law and conflict resolution, he developed the High Conflict Personality Theory and has been teaching the necessary skills for handling HCPs to professionals in a wide variety of settings: legal, workplace, healthcare, education, government, business and others.

http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/


The Center for Judicial Excellence:
A community-based organization in Marin County established to improve the public accountability of the judiciary and strengthen and maintain the integrity of the courts.

Mothers of Lost Children:
The mission of Mothers of Lost Children is to support, nurture and pray for mothers who have been forcibly separated from their children by the family law and juvenile courts. Our primary goal is to bring to public awareness the fact that children who report abuse, particularly incest, are regularly given into the custody or unsupervised visitation of the identified perpetrators.

Battered Mothers Custody Conference:
This group seeks to  raise public awareness by documenting civil, legal, due process, and human rights violations perpetrated on victims of domestic violence (women and children) by  family courts, their professional appointees, Child Protective Services, other government systems, and all who have built an industry which profits from the suffering of mothers and children trying to escape domestic violence.

The Courageous Kids Network:
This organization, started by children survivors, is dedicated to stopping the continuing assault on children’s human right to live free from abuse

California Protective Parents Association:
The Mission of the California Protective Parents Association is to protect children from incest and family violence through research, education and advocacy.

Rights For Mothers:
This group is committed to get fairness, equality and justice within the gender biased family court and circuit court systems.

Custody Preparations for Moms:
This website is intended to help fit and loving mothers who wish to continue to be the primary caretakers of their children.

Mothers for Justice:
This group is the campaigning ‘voice’ for everyone who has suffered an injustice with the corrupt judiciary system. We endeavor, through our campaigns to bring out into the open the appalling number of injustices (particularly) those relating to child access issues.

Women’s Law:
Topics include staying safe, preparing for court, know the laws, learn about abuse, where to find help, legal statutes.

OTHER BLOGS/ARTICLES ABOUT THE SAME ISSUES

If you have a similar situation – please consider getting the word out however possible.  Be it a blog, article or writing your story and circulating it in some way – it helps others realize the need to address how courts help families when parents suffer from personality disorders.  There are functional ways in which PD parents can be and should be in the children’s lives, which still allow the child to grow up in a safe (physical and emotional) environment.

One Woman’s Battle - a blog about a mom in California representing herself pro se in the family court system with a narcissitic ex.  This is inspirational – she has made it to having supervised visitation for her daughters!

Click here to watch Christie Brinkley on the Today Show  (as provided on One Woman’s Battle blog)

Click here to watch Peter Cook on the Today Show (as provided on One Woman’s Battle blog)

 

 

 

 

7 Responses to “Links to other resources”

  1. Emma says:

    Thank you :) just ordered ‘enough about you, let’s talk about me’ (I think it’s called) and nancy McWilliams’ book on personality as well to try and get some good strategies. Hope you’re having a lovely week and thanks for the blog!

  2. Emma says:

    if you come across any more links that help men who are coparenting with a narcissist, please could you put them up? All the issues are the same [abuse, violence, neglect, it's all about the NPD, the children are objects and possessions, etc] EXCEPT that the legal and other professions are geared to give the mother custody.

    • I absolutely will. I only know of one situation personally where the situation is with a (undiagnosed) narcissistic mother and she has wrecked havoc on the children and uses the court system to abuse. There are more books out there on narcissistic mothers to help understand the dynamic and impact on the children than books on narcissistic fathers.

      • Dadlookingforhelp says:

        I am one of those men who has recently divorced a very narcissistic ex-wife. I am only saying this because I just found your site and after reading it I am convinced she has NPD. We have been divorced for eleven months (separated for three years) and already I have been threatened with court 4 times, exparte twice, finalized a new custodial stipulation three months ago, and now have a mediation scheduled in three weeks then another day back in court in 8 weeks. This is all because I wanted to father my youngest son, keep him from extracurricular activities when he is doing poor in school, and any time I say no to anything. She is demanding, forceful, and constantly tries to bully me. She makes decisions for my son’s well being without conferring with me and then blames me when he does poorly. She is an attorney,abuses the court system to attack me, and has already alienated my oldest son from me. I am to the point now where I think it would be best if I just gave up and became the true Disneyland dad she is forcing me to be just so my son won’t have to go through this anymore. I know it is hurting him and I don’t want him hurt anymore. I am educated, don’t drink, was never abusive, coached my sons for over 10 years, I’ve done volunteer work, was in the military for 6 years, I even stayed home with my youngest for two years while she worked to become a partner in her law firm. The constant subtle barrage of hate and put downs really damaged my self-esteem. Now, I’ve met a good woman that I hope to marry soon, I’m in a Master’s program in education to become a Math teacher and coach, and all I want to do is be a father to my son. It’s heartbreaking. Where do you find any information on how to cope with this? Books? Anything? I will go through your site, but all of the anti-male stuff is hard. Don’t get me wrong I am a guys-guy but most importantly I am a father who cares.

        • Hi there – I am sorry about the gender references, and completely understand and support anyone who has to deal with a narcissistic or personality disordered person. It’s not easy, no matter what gender. I believe wholeheartedly in good fathers, I have one and I have many male friends who are awesome for their children. To that end, I personally apologize about any male bashing that comes through here. It really is intended to look on those who suffer from personality disorders with compassion and to understand collectively how to deal with them better.

          There are actually many more books available for adult children of narcissistic mothers than fathers. It seems that they really do have a very profound impact on their children. Since most children cannot grasp that there is something awry with their parent – it is usually in adulthood that people discover, understand or come to terms with their parent’s shortcomings. I have found that it helps to read those books, however, to understand the impact for my children – and would also recommend for others to do the same.

          Just a thought – but I think that one of the toughest impacts on children of narcissistic mothers is the controlling put-downs. You feel it as her ex, and I’m sure your boys do too. It may be that one of the most powerful things you can do as their father is to tell them how awesome they are (even if they have poor grades in school) and that they can do whatever they set their minds to. They need to believe that what they do (eventually) in life is their choice and that they are awesome for just being, no matter what they chose to do. Many psychotherapists I have spoken with say that even one positive adult in a child’s life (who has a disordered parent) can make a major difference. I commend you for hanging in there and fighting to be that for your son, and I hope you can do the same for both sons. All the best to you!!

          • Dadlookingforhelp says:

            Thanks for the reply. I wasn’t implying that this site was only for women or that I was hurt by it. I guess I was just venting a little about how it feels to be alone as a father who is trying his best for his son. I am sorry if there are more women out there than men with this kind of situation. All I can say is “I feel your pain.” I was a stay at home dad for a while and I know exactly how hard it is. It’s harder than being in the military. I take my hat off to you that do it now.

            I am trying. I will never quit on him and I hope my oldest comes around someday. I will be here when he does. I am lucky that I can spend some quality time with my youngest. I can still coach him, teach him all I can, model healthy behavior, and be consistent with him.

            It’s interesting that you mention telling him he is awesome. I have been doing that as much as possible. I pick events in his life, the more recent the better, and clearly acknowledge his success. I have actually had to sit with him asking him what he felt he has done good and it takes a while for him to come up with his wins. I will continue this until someday he can hold me up when I am ooooold.

            I got a little second wind tonight from one of my professors. Ok time to stand up straight and show my sons what a real role model is no matter what the ex does. He is with me for the next four days. I can’t wait.

          • Enjoy your time together! Show him he is loved for who he is, that he is a strong kid who is able to chose who he wants to be in life. I have a magnet on my fridge for me and my kids, as a reminder to combat how my ex cannot see that we are all different. It reads “Be who you are and be that perfectly well” – From St. Francis de Sales.

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